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There is no other way - it's this or die. I am a fly tangled in a web of my addiction. I am a shadow attached to nothing, no soul, no being. In Scott's body, I was centered, in control, strong. I want it back. I'm taking it. Mother, I love you, and Aunt Una and Seanna, but you will never see me again. I've been so careful; I know how Aunt Una's talent works. I started planning this the second I was switched back in the hospital. Taking little steps, always separated in time, so she wouldn't easily see a pattern in the futures. I've timed it so it can't be reversed, timed it just right. You'll see. After you read this, go to Scott's loft. Help him, Mother, tell him I did it because I'm fucked up. He'll hate me forever -I hate myself- but tell him, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Deirdre "The orb!" Una and Ula said, and ran to the conservatory. They foundthe empty puzzle box on the rosewood. She lay down in thefoetal position hugging one of the pillows. Despite the warmth of theroom, Charlotte started to shiver. Sally took the spare blanket from theback of the easy chair and covered Charlotte."Now tell me what's wrong. Something must have caused you to get thisupset." After my session with Angela I decided to have a good luck at myself. Istripped naked and looked at myself using the full-length mirror in thebathroom. What I saw was not a girl, Charlotte, but a man without apenis. My body is full of hair and does not have the correct shape. Iknow I said that I would have a go at living as a girl but I don't knowif I'm going to be able to do it. It feels so wrong; my mind is sayingman and every time I try to persuade myself otherwise it just doesn'tfeel correct."'Oh why isn't Rachel available,' moaned Sally to herself."Why did you agree to try and live as Charlotte if you feel it is sowrong?" asked Sally."We were discussing what I wanted from life. One of my biggest.
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