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It must have been deepinside me - repressed - just waiting for a trigger to open it up. He wasthat trigger.But he is not gay. He can never love me the way that I need to be lovedby him. He wants to please me. I am not just his boss. He wantssomething of all the skills that I have. The truth is that he will neverbe a great chef, but he could be a very good one. But I cannot tell himthat. I just cannot afford to lose him. I can never blurt out the way Ifeel. He would leave in terror.Until he came into my kitchen my life was so normal, but now it is inpieces. There is that sense of joy that love can bring, but how can yoube happy when you face the impossible?Diary Entry 4It is done, and I am still alive - but only just.I had the opportunity to talk to him about the feelings that I had forhim. We went to my herb garden together this morning.Of course, he has not so foolish that he cannot see how I look at him.That is why he started our private chat by confirming that he was. Funny?" No, you don't look funny at all, Ann," Lisa smiled."Steve's going to laugh at me," I predicted and I was just determined to be unhappy for some reason."He will not," she rolled her blue eyes at me and I was glad Lisa hadn't put her collar back on. I needed her to be my friend more than my girlfriend right then. I was pretty nervous."I feel pretty naked under there," I frowned and looked down at my skirt."Well ... you are pretty naked under there," Lisa laughed. "Let's try a little makeup, okay?" Ummm..." I made a bit of a face, but I knew I had to do it.I was a girl, I reminded myself. This wasn't a bad thing. It wasn't wrong. I was supposed to look like this. I'd only forgotten how to do it, that's all. I'd worn dresses before. I tried to think of Jared and how much I wanted him to see me as a girl. I'd get my picture taken and send it to him, I reminded myself. He wouldn't think I looked funny, would he? Neither would Steve. The only one who thought I looked silly was me.
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