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I’m scared to death of something that powerful taking over my life, but I want it more than I can express. I want the poetry of it, more than anything else. It’s romantic and soul-devouring stuff. Or at least, it must be…it has to be. It’s all I believe in anymore. Aside from the life-changing and heart-crushing power of it, though, I want the small things that go along with giving your soul to another person. I want to go to sleep with somebody beside me who won’t be gone in the morning. I want to share cigarettes and coffee, watch old movies and hold hands in parks. I want somebody to touch my cheek and tell me they love me, and mean it with everything that they are. I want hugs that last for hours until we both fall asleep. I want kisses that make me feel so much I could cry. And I do cry thinking about it, this love I’ll probably never have. You’ve always told me that love must be like a hurricane, sweeping away everything safe and leaving you exposed, with only trust. I also learned that my husband had been in a long-term relationship with a woman named Amanda Tyler. At that point, I realized I couldn’t continue being married to the man.”“At one point in your marriage you went to a party where some other colleagues of your husband were there. Did that change you?”“Yes, it did. Greatly. The place where the party was held was a large cohousing project, and we were by the pool. I remember it well. I heard people discussing the group that lived there. They were kind, loving, and fostered and nurtured their relationships with each other in positive ways, exactly what I wanted to have happen with my husband. I even asked him to stay and listen to some of the group’s philosophy and how they put it into practice. He would have nothing to do with the subject, and walked out. I had to run after him to be sure I had a ride home. He was very dismissive of me after that.”“You claim that he made abusive statements, did those start then?”“Oh, no. Those had.
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