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High school. Not easy. Eyes closed, smiling softly at a memory of cheerleader glory. Chuckle. I look so much better now. Smile back to sleep.Eyes snap open. Stomach dropping flash of fear in high school. Inner voice telling me I was a coward.A little more awake. Was it cowardice, or a lack of imagination on how to get out of the safe space of jocks and cheerleaders?Shiver. Wait ... something is reassuring. Body heat. Sound of calm breathing. Such a rare sound for me. Sure, I was sexually active in high school, but never slept with anyone for more than a few minutes. Not much better when more active in college, still not right to sleep with people. I had fuck toys, and sometimes damn good fuck toys, but no lovers.Could I have had a lover? My body just said yes, when I felt my muscles jolt. Maybe it could have been Marie. No, it should have been Curt. How many times, in college, did I shove the feeling of loss to the back of my mind? How many times did I call myself a coward for not. As I was walking back this car stopped with 2 guys late 20s-30s this white guy got out and stood behind me, a black guy was driving they said who you working for, what you talking about I‘am not working just missed the last train going to get the night buss the white guy was pushing me ti get in the back of the car he had a knife. Once in they took me to a house not sure where the guy with the knife kept making me put my head down so I couldn’t work out where we were going. There was another guy in the room they took me in they told him I'd been working their patch, they’d seen me go of with two punters. It was a warm night I was wearing just a red dress that wrapped over and fastened at the waist with 2 buttons a strapless bra and thong with holdup stockings, the guy with the knife said what do you want us to do with her to teacher her a lesson not to take work of our girls. He grabbed my dress where it fastened and pulled snapping the buttons off he then told me to take the dress.
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