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I did not see it coming at age 9, but by the age of 14 I was finding reasons to rebel at much of this.I jumped ahead. I go down that train of thought and do not mean to.I feel relief to know that I have found the darkness. It really does open up a lot more for me in explaining how I was muddling along for the last many years.Springfield, Virginia. I remember wanting to play little league baseball. But dad wasn't around very much and, until later in the year, my mom did not have a car. There was no way to get around even if I demanded it. LOLI do know we were on the bowling team at St. Bernadette's that year. They would bus us to the bowling alley after school was finished on Thursdays.I loved to bowl. I was good at it too. In later years I would get to nearly a 200/game average. I even shot a 279 in my adult years. Man I remember my legs were shaking when I was up in the 10th frame. And here I go again jumping in time. Sorry, I'll try to do this less. Bad mind, Bad Bad mind. Stop. For the rest of the day and the next few days, she made no mention of Ronnie or of Wednesday night.Tension. Formless, headachy tension. It slowed my morning run to a plodding waste of time. On returning to Martha's I was too listless to fix breakfast. I ate at a coffee shop, staring at my reflection in the mirror behind the lunch counter and trying to connect the way I looked with the way I felt. I looked calm. I felt so confused and lackluster that I couldn't even identify the problem. I knew I should have felt elated after the previous night. I thought about Martha, Martha on her way to work a while ago, Martha looking neat and almost prim; and I tried reconciling that with Martha and Ronnie and myself the night before.The workout at Fiore's cleared my head a little. Then I jogged to Ronnie's office building. It was Thursday; I had no excuse worthy of avoiding lunch with Ronnie, save for a general squeamishness while waiting inside her office building for her appearance.When she met.
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