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It hadn't worked out, for all the reasons it began in the first place, and eight years had faded it into some unstated Life Lesson -- the time when he was a father, the time when he Got Serious for the first time (two long-term relationships since then, clocking in at 2 years and 4 respectively), when balancing his budget had Really Mattered, when he'd first thought about Buying A House and Planning For The Future. He'd let it all slide once they split up, because that sudden lack of responsibilities had made him feel twenty again.Now here he was almost 40, and he hardly ever thought about those times until Cain called him in the mid-afternoon on a day when he should have been at work but had called in can't-give-a-fuck. His wife had nodded, probably ready for a black mood to come around the time of his birthday, and just asked him to make dinner then, since he'd be home.He let the phone ring twice before he answered it, just in case it was work. Cain's unfamiliar voice asked for him. "And?" Well, even if it turned out to be what broke us up," he dragged it out like he still had the hope he would never have to finish the thought, "at least I'd be sure you were safe. I might not have you, but you'd be safe."I'd been thinking about this all day; what I wanted to hear; what I wanted to say. I gave him a brief smile."I'm sorry, Jeff. I was completely wrong. Please forgive me."As I spoke that last phrase I moved forward, put my arms around him and buried my head in his chest. It was a sincere act of contrition and of love.I knew it was also manipulative. There was a greater chance that if I tossed a coin in the air it would never come down than that Jeff would not forgive me when I asked him this way.He held me. He caressed my shoulders, my neck, my hair.It made me feel wonderful.It made me feel terrible.It made me feel like I had to do more."Let's go to dinner, Dr. Goldberg. There's more I want to say."I didn't order a drink. I just asked for a glass of water.This.
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