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I had even decided on the bonepumps and a bone leather purse and simple gold jewelry. I dressed andprobably triple checked myself in the mirror before heading out.The traffic wasn't bad still it took me 45 minutes to get to thecourthouse and another 10 minutes to find a parking spot and walk inside.I looked at my watch and it was still only 9:50 and the court wouldn'teven start for another 10 minutes. I saw by the roster posted on thecourtroom door my case was 4th on the list so I grabbed a cup of coffeeand sat down to wait. John showed up a few minutes later and sat downnext to me. He could sense my anticipation and reassured me this was justa formality so relax. Easy for him to say, its not his future we aretalking about.It was almost 11:30 when they called my case. We went into the courtroomand sat at the desk in front of the bench. The judge was going throughsome papers and John fished a file folder from his briefcase. Finally thejudge looked up and John motioned for me to stand. I had never known anyone like you. Yes you were strict and demanding, but I loved every minute of it. I just wish I would have realized this then. I ran away from my destiny, I ran away from who I am and who I was suppose to be. I did not realize that until later, until it was to late! I go over in my head what I should have done andsome days wishI could go back in time and change the past, but whats done is done. Some things happen for a reason.I am married now, with a little boy. I married into the "nilla" life. I am happy, but will never fully be who I am suppose to be. It is hard to explain. I love my life, but there is always going to be something missing. That emptiness that no one and nothing can fill. All I have is my thoughts and memories and so far they are holding me up pretty well. I found a wonderful site called Lush and became a member. They help me through the tough times, when I don't think I can hold on. They give me a chance to share my experiences and my problems.
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