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The helplessness was not one-sided. Even I had been feeling the heat, what with the environment in my own prison of a home getting more and more hostile, not that it was hospitable ever. Somewhere along the line, I seemed to have lost the urge to live. Something told me that there were seemingly insurmountable hurdles in the way to the much dreamed of union that I lived for. If such were to be the case, where was the incentive to live? Having seen light, having seen colours, I dreaded a vegetative existence, black days. The only worthwhile reason to live for some more years that I could conjure up was to play whatever little role I could to see my children do well, and get settled in life. If Nikita was not coming into my life to protect me on a full-time basis, where was the rationale and justification to live? I stopped all medication, in the hope that my natural strength will help me last the two odd years till I accomplished my goal, after which it would be time to bid adieu to. Ma taking Peter and me to Bikini Beach.Peter changing to Ruth. Me changing to Lucy. My crush on Mr. Oregon, myclarinet teacher? Yuck! How mortifying! I'd actually even hugged him asLucy. Going out practically naked in a bikini. Even a one-pieceswimsuit showed way too much leg -- as in, one hundred percent. Mydesire to be a good Christian Scientist? Was I really going to give atestimonial Wednesday evening about wearing bikinis and one-pieceswimsuits at Bikini Beach? Boy was I relieved that the pass ended beforethat Wednesday evening. Gees, what a bimbo I was.By now I realized the shower was off. I returned to my bench and lockerto find my one-piece swimsuit where I left it. I put it on; the tightstretchy strip covering my crotch felt utterly strange, making me all tooaware of the vacancy, the complete change, there -- rather exciting andarousing, too. It was almost perpetual masturbation. I wasn't sure Iwanted to go outside in this. Being excited and aroused was one.
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