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I tried to place the voice, but it had been muffled by the mask. The fear was choking me, making me unable to think correctly. The feel of his body pinning me to the wall stirred something inside me, but I refused to believe I was getting aroused by this. I tried to push the unknown man away, but he was stronger than me. He pinned my hands up above my head with his hands. “Hey, calm down,” he said to me. I tried to push him away again, but to no avail. He held his ground and kept me pinned to the door with his body. “I told you to calm down girl,” he said again. “What do you want?” I said, fear in my voice. “What do I want? Isn’t it obvious?” he replied, chuckling. “I want you,” he said, as his hands went for my robe. “You can’t!” I screamed out, trying to free my hands and protect myself. “Why?” he asked. His amusement showed in his voice. His hands touched my face, “You’re beautiful, you know that?” he said, as his hands went down my face to my neck, slowly. My body responded. On the other hand, if I were toback out, if I were to call and cancel, I would never, NEVER, get thisopportunity again. They wouldn't even look at me. They'd say, "Sorry, wedon't waste our time on people who aren't completely sure. We alreadyhave enough patients on our waiting list who are sure. So... take a hike."All true. Nonetheless, I realized that this is perhaps the most majorall-or-nothing decision I've ever made in my life, and suddenly, I foundmyself questioning literally every decision I've made about my genderjourney. Even to the point of questioning whether they were in factdecisions at all, or whether I'd simply allowed myself to be carriedalong by some kind of thoughtless momentum, one step leading inevitablyto the next, and to the next, without stopping to consider their validityor rightness. It was a hellish week, believe me.In my previous article on my breast augmentation surgery, I referred tothe sudden fear and uncertainty I felt when confronted with the.
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