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You are a faggot!” The words and images bled into my brain. I was so turned on. I felt as if the videos knew me better than I knew myself. Maybe I was a sissy, I thought to myself, maybe I was a cock loving faggot. I have to admit I have had the feelings expressed in the videos, but never thought about them in that way. Never had them thrown in my face so blatantly. I was attracted to Kara, but drawn to Darren’s cock. Maybe I was bisexual, somehow the thought never occurred to me. It always seemed that you had to be one or the other. The was no real middle ground, I thought. But maybe there truly was, maybe not. “One taste of cum and you are a cocksucking faggot for life” one video said. I like girls! I’m a man! I’m big and strong, how can I be a faggot!?! I thought. So confused.I had no idea. People come in all shapes and sizes and all forms of sexual identity. Why should I be any different? Why should I fight my feelings and be so torn? Why should I be so confused? Why should I. He woke me thrice more in the night with shouts and screams, the sound of my name twisted in panic. We ran at night, ran until we were both dropping from exhaustion, and only then would he tell me what he saw.Dreams that involved my image getting mixed up with his attacker had mostly dropped off, though they still made appearances. They were replaced, he told me, with dreams in which I was dead. Sometimes I was dead by his hand, sometimes it was unknown. He could never save me. The worst ones were where his attacker killed me, showing up in the most unlikely places; the school, my bedroom, the Priory hill, the coppiced trees in the paddock. I worried about him. But I made good on my promise to myself. I swallowed every horror, absorbed all the crap that his brain threw at us, and managed to keep going, to keep being there for him, and while I worried, I loved him more. I wanted him to talk to a professional, but since it became obvious that the conversation made him clam up quicker.
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