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”“Was it made worse by the fact that nobody ever contacted you?”“Very much so,” I agreed. “I was ashamed of not taking care of them, and I figured they were ashamed of me and avoiding me. It turned out that nobody knew I was alive, and that was why they didn’t call or write. Very strange.”After that, he asked me about my psychological care at the hospitals I had been in. I shook my head. “In all the time I spent with them, I only saw one decent psychiatrist, a doctor in Germany. He wanted to help. Just about everybody else wanted to get me out of their office as quickly as possible. They gave me some Prozacs and sleeping pills and told me to get a good night’s sleep. Otherwise, they were pretty useless.”“Useless?” he repeated.“Not everybody. Most of the doctors and nurses are very nice, though overworked. The administrators and staff are terrible. They basically treat most vets as a bunch of whiny slackers who just need to suck it up and leave them alone.”“So, how did you get over. That would be silly. I just paint over it with white paint, or some other color and begin again. Canvas is to expensive for a starving artist to just throw out. Again, there may be some wealthy painters who just throw them out the window, but I’ve never met any. I went to work sketching out my vision, integrating the features of each picture and making it my own. In a couple of hours I was finally finished with stage one and I really did need to eat, use the bathroom and get something to drink. My throat was dry from all of my thoughtful and slow breathing, usually from my mouth despite the hazards that this presents. Its ok, I’ve gotten enough done now that I can cut myself some slack, stretch out a little rest my eyes and fill my tummy. Besides, this book really isn’t about my painting career either, although that too is a big part of who I am. If my relationship with my mother explains why I’m nearly insane, my painting explains why I’m not. Sure, as an artist I’m a little loopy.
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