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She had pretty much alienated herself from most of her family and friends by marrying Trevor, ignoring their warnings that it would be a total disaster, how right they were. She shook herself out of her revelry and realized she hadn’t been out of the house all day so she reluctantly decided to go out for a walk. She looked in her wardrobe for something to wear and spotted her size 2 clothes at the back, which made the tears flow faster. She selected a white peasant blouse and Indian cotton skirt. Seeing as it was warm outside she wouldn’t need a jacket. She didn’t bother with any makeup and ran a brush quickly through her shoulder-length brown hair. Slipping on a pair of flat leather sandals she went out of the house locking the door behind her and set off for the local park disgusted at her waddling gait. She reached the park and realized that she needed to sit down, angry yet again that her body was betraying her and not allowing her to hit the gym hard every day. She sat on a. He could see her pulling away, feel her pulling away. She was with him physically, she would still talk to him, still lay by his side at night when she slept, still laugh at his jokes, still hold his one of his fingers when she could. But she wasn’t with him mentally. She didn’t tell him her fears anymore, she wouldn’t tell him her problems, or when she wanted to do something dangerous. She wouldn’t tell him her worries. She would talk with him but not about anything really important or about her. She still laughed with him, but her laugh was different, it didn’t have the same life, the same spark. She didn’t want to tell him her struggles anymore. She didn’t want him to worry about her, didn’t want him to know just how far her self-hatred really went. How deeply rooted in her mind it really was. How every time anyone got just a little glimpse of it, they would tell her that she scared them. She couldn’t do that to him…. But she already had…. And she hated herself for that. She had.
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