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I was getting used to being one of the girls by the time it came to betime to go home but I was unable to find Antonia, who I was told hadleft earlier, so I was unable to get my male clothes back or my breastsremoved and forced to go home dressed as a woman.Tomorrow would be different I told myself as they would have had theirfun. Would Martha talk to me when I was dressed as a man again?When I got home Mum was furious that I was dressed as a woman. "No sonof mine should be dressed like me!" my mother said."Well, think of me as your daughter," I replied."Yes you are cute but you are my son, Sweetie. Have you been hidingyour desire to dress like me for long?"I told Mum that I had never dressed as a woman before today or eventhought of doing so but as I had felt compelled to do so I was doing mybest to enjoy it. To some extent I had got used to what I was wearingbut then something such as the swishing of my ponytail or the feeling ofmy bra round my chest and the way my suspenders. I want to feel him relax between my thighs as I release my grip around himand he gently begins to kiss my breasts.As we cuddle together and enjoy the warm afterglow of our lovemaking, Iwant my pregnancy to have begun.I want so desperately to grow his baby inside of me, to bear his childrenand to be a mother. I want nothing more than to be a wife and a mother.I want to feed our baby from my breasts and care and nurture her as only amother can.I want to be there for her through periods, boys, dating, heartache,breakups, clothes, makeup, shopping pregnancy, childbirth andgrandchildren.I want all thought, all trace of my life as a man to be utterly erasedfrom history and memory forever.All that should remain is the happy contented woman lying down on the bedcradled in the arms of her man....As I regain consciousness, with my gun still to my head I again see theapparition of the goddess of life shining brightly in front of me. At themoment of my suicide she appeared and almost immediately.
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