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I pictured falling to the ground, screaming in pain as the groundhog dug out my eyes with his teeth and ate them. I pictured bleeding out in the middle of the woods in Boonton, New Jersey, no eyes, no left calf, just a pocket full of hand whittled spears and a stomach full of crab dip and possibly a new case of rabies that would ravage my dead body. I usually picture my own death about four or five times a day so this wasn’t out of the ordinary but it definitely spooked me.I decided to go to the empanada place down on Main Street. My brother had taken the car because he’s a fucking dick so I had to walk. The empanada place was about a mile away. I grabbed a pack of fruit snacks for the journey because I knew it would be long and I love fruit snacks anyway. As soon as I stepped outside, I felt a wave of oppressive heat. It felt like I was stepping into an oven cooking a meatloaf. I felt like a meatloaf. I smelled myself to see if I smelled like meatloaf. I didn’t. I smelled like B.O.. After Commerce became more adept at servicing Traddles, Celestine had dressed Commerce up further, in shiny satin dresses and heavy makeup, and began taking him to singles bars and encouraging him to blow men in her car.Sometimes they would double-date, and when Celestine didn’t feel like putting out for her boyfriend of the evening, she’d have Commerce, called ?Consuela? blow both men and thank them for the privilege.In time, Traddles saw a way to make up for the fact that Celestine had basically appropriated his allowance, and made ?Consuela? fellate various neighbor men for twenty bucks each , and in fact began putting the phone number on walls?When Celestine found out about this, she became enraged, and they moved out of Traddles’s house, and got a house of their own, and Commerce went to work teaching theology at Buttermilk State University. Commerce was so happy that he was done with Trust Fund Traddles?but of course he still had Celestine to reckon with!Commerce really wanted.
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