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"You fuckin' bitch!" He grabs my arms hard and moves me back to arm's length, where I can't touch him, as if I weigh no more than my pair of thong panties. It is so sudden and so violent that it scares the crap out of me. Actually that's a lousy expression. Almost everybody who's afraid they're going to die closes up. You couldn't have pulled a straight pin out of my asshole with a tractor. There is nothing going in or out of me, not even breath, except for what I can see and show with my eyes.I know I'm looking into the eyes of a man who could kill, a man who probably has. He's searching for something in my eyes. Maybe judgement. Maybe derision. Maybe disgust. Something perhaps, that would make him feel humiliated by me. I'm pretty sure that all he sees is fear and guilt and maybe forgiveness for what I'm afraid he's about to do to me, because I've gone where I should not have. I've violated him. In his eyes I see anger and pain. The anger slowly fades.We both take a breath at the. The first touch each new day was the worst and she hoped to desensitize herself to it faster. Still, she felt guilty for using Ivan this way. She searched his face for hurt but it was never there. After two months, she could turn pirouettes while holding his hand. After four, she could manage closer holds. It was in the fifth month, though, during one of the routines that she had so meticulously practiced, that she finally relaxed into his arms. She knew he felt it. As they glided, he held her closer, her back against his chest, her head on his shoulder. "That's exactly right," he whispered. Even though his lips were right next to her ear, she didn't panic. His words thrilled her whole body. It may not last, but in that moment there was no disgust. In that moment, she felt normal. She came out of the position and turned to face him. There was something in his expression that she hadn't seen before. Something in those cool blue eyes that still managed to convey heat. He directed her.
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