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I know you must be thinking what pathetic loser lives his life like that. My answer is no one lives like that and neither did I. I died the day I found the gifts l sent to Sue left at my doorsteps. I have been existing but only because I was too weak to take my own life. I know this letter will give you many sleepless nights but really, you were just kids who did not know better. Don't beat yourself over it.I have lived through many nights when I would think that people offered mercy to rabid dogs and hoped that my children would even show as much mercy on their father who was dying all alone in his empty house, but after some time even that hope faded. I remember, my father took my face in his hand on his deathbed and told me that he knew that his values, his thoughts would live on in this world till such time as I walked the earth and that gave him a shot at immortality because these same values would live on in my children too.I am no different than the two of you — I have failed. "You had no choice. You killed him before he killed us." Molly pulled her arms out of her sleeping bag and clung to Josh as she cried. Josh kept repeating, "It's all right. You had to kill that guy. You saved our lives."Josh held the sobbing teen for about five minutes before she calmed down. Molly continued clinging to Josh after she stopped sobbing. Josh held her and waited. After a minute or so he asked, "Are you OK now?" I'm ... OK," Molly managed to squeak out. "Was it this bad the first time you killed a chink?"Josh's mind wandered back to that first day on the Chilliwack line when his unit counterattacked a Chinese penetration. He had used the bow machine gun to mow down almost a squad of Chinese infantry that were heading for his platoon's position. Josh had felt revulsion initially until Lt. Williams praised his work. Josh never had time to really process or accept what he'd done. Crisis upon crisis kept the "Homewrecker" and its crew too busy for introspection."It's real.
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