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’ This was ‘Airports of the Big Ten’ and not nearly as sexy. Either that or I was starring in a remake of Planes, Trains and Automobiles. I could hardly wait to meet John Candy. Well, as it turned out, the flight planned for the Indiana basketball team had been cancelled and the team was rerouted via the flight to Ann Arbor. No, I wasn’t bumped. They put me in the window seat next to a 6’10’ power forward who had John Candy’s waistline. ‘A guy my size has to have the aisle, man,’ he announced, and I wasn’t going to argue. Go Hoosiers! Late Friday morning I phoned Mom from the Lansing airport. After all, it was my birthday and birthdays mean a lot to Mom. She told me she was in the kitchen and judging from the echoes, I was pretty sure she had the phone on speaker phone setting. For sure, I could hear her move about the kitchen and I could picture her measuring and pouring ingredients. What? She can only open bags of Chips Ahoy? — you remember that? That was just a joke to make Amy. Kim again gaped. Connie was buying what looked like a twenty-inch long double-header…and the clerk could barely close her fingers about its girth. And a pair of Jonis Butterflys, Connie said. As the clerk went behind the counter to finish gathering and start totaling the purchases, Kim whispered urgently, Did you see the size of that thing? I hope you dont think I — Connie turned Kim face to hers and kissed her, full and heavy, on the mouth — silencing her. Trust me. But — which two am I paying for? The butt plug and a Jonis Butterfly. Well put it all on my Amex, double-warranty that way. Connie snickered as she imagined herself calling American Express: Yes, the FuckForever vibrating kit I bought was guaranteed for a year of trouble-free use and just eight months later, the damned thing burned out. At the register, the clerk finished adding up the damage: Thatll be…$245.92. Cash or charge? Connie passed her that Little Green Card. As she wrote up the charge slip, the clerk said,.
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