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As Ientered my teens, this conflict in me caused me to be a loner - shunningthe company of boys and girls alike - for fear that my secret would comeout. I spent hours reading religious books trying to understand what washappening to me, but to no avail. As I grew, I became convinced that onlyby thoroughly learning the ways of God, could I finally understandmyself. When I was 15, a chance opened up to go to Rome to study here ina course which would lead to the priesthood. I applied for the positionand, since I was a good student, my application was accepted. [CardinalO'Connor is being modest here; at the time, he was already considered themost gifted genius to have ever attended his school, in its 300 years ofexistence, and perhaps ever to have attended any school in Ireland.]I came to Rome, but the change of location did not quell my inner unrest.Indeed, I felt lonelier and more confused than before. Finally, one day,I felt I could no longer take it and had to unburden myself. As if I don't want to admit it was his doing, you know? It really was a guy who just made me cum. Does that make me gay? No, it doesn't! I know for sure I like girls. And I would probably puke if he'd ask me to return the favor. "I should lend out dictionaries more often," I joke. He just smiles awkwardly. "But maybe…" I now look at him directly and even move in a little close. "You don't have to borrow it next time, but you can still, you know, come over and help me out." I try to smile. Guess the alcohol is still in my body. What the fuck am I even doing? I can't use him just for my own sake, right? But then again, he liked it. So we're both gaining from an arrangement like this, I think. This is the shit thing about being a teenager. Emotions. On the one hand I want him to do this more often, but on the other hand, I'm not gay and I don't want to hurt him. Guess being honest is the only thing you can do in a situation like that. "So…" I start. "Anyway. I really liked it. Thank you.
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