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‘Everything in working order,’ I said, handing it to her ‘but it’s a good thing that its got an on-off switch—you’re probably not going to want to have it on when you’re just out walking around. Apparently, my lovely,’ I added, holding her close to me, ‘you have an uncanny ability to generate sexual fantasies in the minds of bystanders.’ Good thing she didn’t have anything in her mouth, because she would have spit whatever it was all over the floor as she burst out laughing. I elaborated ‘If you had really just given as many blowjobs as I just watched you give in the minds of strangers, you’d have a sore throat for a month.’ She was now more incredulous now. ‘Really? You saw that many guys fantasize about me in that great of a detail?’ ‘You generating fantasies in men—no surprise. You generating those fantasies in every single man we saw on the street, plus more than one woman—somewhat of a surprise.’ I told her. ‘Guess I’m not the only one who constantly fantasizes about having sex. I don’t doubt for a moment that I might’ve conflated a bunch of actual memories of Christmases past with wishes for what Christmases should have been and created a history that never was, but still. Everybody had a good time with it and eggnog and the Christmas spirit and NOBODY got pissed off if you wished them a Merry Christmas.I am an introvert. A serious introvert. One of nearly the hermit kind. One of my favorite quotes on the subject is by the writer Neal Stephenson: “Where did all these people come from, and how do I make them go away?” What this means as far as Christmas is concerned is that even though I enjoy gift-giving, I absolutely hate crowds.When I was about thirty and single—in days before the Internet—I developed tactics for shopping that made dealing with the crowds easier. I didn’t shower, shave, or brush my teeth for three days before going out to hit the malls (in those days, a stubbly face was a sign of poor grooming rather than a fashion statement). On the.
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