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Then there was her mother who continually told her that she would amount to nothing, and that she would end up a slut just like her. She insisted that Cindy should dress to show her ‘assets’ and that she should always comply when a man asked her for sex. ‘You won’t get a man unless you give him what he wants Cindy, you mark my words!’ Just once, Cindy thought as she completed the form, just once I would like to have a relationship with a man who cared for me as a person and not a sex object. ‘I would like to be loved by a caring man who knows how to treat a woman properly.’ She wrote in the space provided and sent the form away. Her class of little monsters gone for the day Julie Rogers sat and stared at the newspaper in front of her. Her fantasy for the last several years was to be in the company of adults, male adults, and to let herself think about nothing other than have men cover her with their attention, sexual attention. Just about every man that she had met since beginning to. I wasn’t the same girl I was at 10 o’clock. Not in the least. The dirtiest things were bubbling out of my mind, and the blood rushing through my veins was spiked with lust and desire. Pretty convenient that it was Halloween because I felt like a vampire, dead to an old self of yesterday and reborn in a different, better flesh. And my new thirst was fierce and strong and unquenchable. Already dressed for bed in my babydoll, I leapt onto my mattress and slid under my covers, tugging them up to my chin. Need roared in my mind, a need to lay at his feet. He doesn’t want me. Forget about it. I said it over and over in my mind, trying to remind myself of its futility, to embrace that as some bitter pill of truth. Fuck it! I just didn’t care what he said. It wasn’t true. He could insist ’til he’s blue in the face or scream it from every mountaintop in the world, and I still wouldn’t believe it. That is not what he truly wants. I felt his kisses. I know. He didn’t just kiss me, I’ve been.
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