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Finally I turned it off and just sat there thinking. About Steve, of course. About what we had done, about what I had done, much of it for the first time in my life, much of it I never would have thought myself capable of. Kiss a guy? Suck his dick? A day earlier I would have scoffed at the idea. Now I knew I could not only do these things, but that I liked these things, at least with him. Did that mean I was gay? I recalled the shame and guilt I felt after that night on the boat years ago, when I’d had my only encounter with another man. I didn’t feel that shame and guilt now. I felt, well, like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt liberated, in a way. I thought about the women I’d slept with, about the wife I’d once fucked with such abandon, about the feel of her lovely, soft tits, and my dick stirred. Well, I chuckled to myself, if you’re gay, you’re not totally gay. Right after lunch, sitting in the sun and staring into the trees, I got so horny thinking about. " that was as much as I heard before Ibroke down and ran crying to my room and shut myself up in my closetwhere I stayed for a week crying. Whenever I thought anyone had comelooking for me I was wrong; the only reason I came out after that weekwas the fact that I finally had to eat and use of the bathroom but Idid it in silence. When Amy spoke to me, all I could do was look at herhurtfully; start crying and run back to my closet (now I can imaginethat you're thinking that I must have been the biggest sissy in theworld to not have gotten over it after a week but she was my onlyfriend and the only one I though I could completely trust to love meunconditionally so her saying that I was any bit of trouble just brokemy heart). Amy finally came in to see what was wrong, I just locked thedoor on her so she got mom to come get me - I had to tell someone. Momand dad were the only two that weren't talking about a six-year-old boynor calling him a pussy or a pain in the ass, so I let her into.
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