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I could tell myself I wouldn’t do it, but deep down I knew I would succumb to my dark desires. They made me feel dirty and ashamed, but horny as well.It felt degrading and naughty, yet it fulfilled some need I didn’t know I had, some identity that had been kept secret from myself. This part was very liberating and exciting.Nonetheless, when I took out or answered an ad, I felt adrenalized, even shaking. Why did I force myself to do this? If they responded, I was excited, yet terrified. If they didn’t, I felt disappointed and discouraged, but relieved. If I accepted, I would think about it all day, with a knot in my stomach. Yet, when it came time to meet, I half felt like canceling or bailing out, but did not do so. When we did meet, I was just fine; after all, I had done this before, and enjoyed it, so what’s the big deal?I decided to give it one last try, do everything, satisfy my curiosity, and get it out of my system once and for all. Then the need would be fulfilled, and I could. Kendall seemed to instinctively try to keep her options open, whether or not she would admit it to herself. Pushing me at Gerri might permanently lock me out as an option for her.Okay, maybe I was a little soured on women.Kendall and I continued to sit with the group of Hayley, Wes, and Cynthia for Western Civ, though we didn't always sit immediately next to each other.Over the next few days, the post break-up tension and regret between me and Kendall largely dissipated. We didn't talk about staying friends, but it seemed to land that way between us. Knowing we'd be seeing each other in school for years probably was a big part of that.Maybe if we'd had an angry split, our reconciliation couldn't have happened. But we'd had a melancholy parting, and somehow that seemed to lend itself toward renewed friendship. I guess disappointment is faster to heal than vitriol.Another healing factor was having a front row seat to watch Wes pursuing Kendall.After a few days he'd cautiously asked me.
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