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When my mother didn't say anything to me, and I finally realized that it didn't show after all, I was amazed. Then one day I saw you looking at me with this half smile on your face, and I wondered if you were thinking that too ... about me. Later I saw you look at Mom the same way. I asked her about it. It was the first time we talked about you as a man, instead of just Bob." Wow," I said softly. "Clear back then?" Clear back then," she said. "I knew back then that you'd be the first man I had sex with."This sounded like so much more than some thoughtless fling that I thought of what Lynne had suggested. Red flags popped up in my mind, but the feelings I was having for this woman demanded that some kind of resolution be arrived at. I had been worried that her heart would get broken, but now I was concerned about my own. I didn't work it all out in my head, though. It just came out, though not in the traditional way."Your mother thinks I should ask you to marry me," I said.Her hand,. "my own self doubt," i answer. He nods and says, "now you will remain where you are, kneeling there, and you will remain looking at Me while you think about why you are filled with such self doubt." i feel horrible. This is so painful i am beginning to wish He had chosen to cut off my arm instead. As i continue to look at him, more tears begin to fall and i have a hard time keeping my eyes on Him, much less thinking about anything. Looking up at Him, i beat myself up all over again for putting Him through this. Why do i have such self-doubt? The answer is because i have not accepted myself for who and what i am. Why haven't i? i honestly don't know. i continue to look at Him, wondering if i should wait for Him to prompt me for my answer. i find myself unwilling (or unable?) to speak. He has done nothing to deserve this nonsense, and i begin to kick myself all over again. i am pretty close to losing my composure - the flood is getting closer; i can feel it. i am trying to hold on to.
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