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Back in one of my favorite casual around-the houseoutfits, an off-white one-piece cotton dress with a nice short flouncy skirtand body-hugging top with wide shoulder straps (yes, I was still pretendingsummer wasn't over), I began making a list of what I'd need for my upcomingtrip to Vermont with the McCowans. We'd be leaving on the twenty-seventh,which was perfect 'cause I'd still get to spend Christmas with my family,but if I needed to buy anything it would have to be before the twenty-fourth. Mark's dad had told me they had all the ski clothes I'd need, aslong as I didn't mind using Marci's stuff, and I could rent a pair of bootsat the mountain if hers didn't fit me, which with my foot size I felt waskind of unlikely. I'd also wondered if her ski pants and jacket would be abit roomy on me, but Mark told me that his sister was larger now than thelast time she wore that outfit and her clothes would probably fit meperfectly. Just the same, I resolved to try all Marci's stuff on. Like a devastating hurricane or a burning building, it's raw power has an aesthetic, amoral beauty and implacable purity. The truth is ugly: I love who I am and would never take my own life the way Gabe did. But it still eats away at me, and I'll never understand why I'm a crossdresser. It's just who I am. Accept it.I love to slip on a pair of tight, small pink or purple panties and feel my dick turn hard in the soft fabric. Nothing makes me feel more like a man than wearing a short gray, wool skirt riding tight against my thigh. I hear my heartbeat and know I'm alive when I stuff socks into a maroon 36C vassarette bra and strap it onto my flat, masculine chest.Proximity to anything sexual is proximity to the vibrancy of life. You get lost in a misty fog of indefinite chaos. Rules no longer apply. Your clarity gets checked at the door, and truth becomes ambiguous. Who am I? A crossdresser. A writer. A pretentious man-girl calling herself "Pretzelgirl."What the hell kind of "Truth" is.
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