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She had warned me and I hadn’t listened to her.“You’re right, Squirt, but that doesn’t make it easier.”“I know. You and Jennifer will have kids when the time is right,” she said. Then, her voice softened to almost a whisper, “I love you, Big Brother.”“I love you, Steph.”I hung up and went back to my room. Suzana came in to check on me and I said I was OK, even though I really wasn’t. I spent the rest of Sunday in a funk, thinking of what might have been. In that funk, I couldn’t even write in my journal. That would have to wait.The next week was a blur. I really wasn’t in the mood for much of anything. I ran in the mornings, which gave me time to think. Something was nagging me in the back of my mind. About the baby and what had run through my mind. There was a clue there if I could decipher it.On Wednesday morning while I was jogging, it hit me.I was born in April 1963, which meant mom most likely had gotten pregnant sometime in July, 1962. Mom and dad had married at the end of. I agreed, was given enough information about how I imported the heroin to make a plea bargain and I thought I'd get probation. Instead, I got seven to fifteen. I would be eligible for parole in two years but I soon learned that I was more likely to see Glen Miller and Sachmo in a private jam session at my house than to make parole the first time around. I was told I should expect to serve at least four years and more likely seven.Prison was tough, but not what I expected. When I first got there the gangs tried to jack me, but an old lifer finally explained that if I didn't hang with the gangs they'd leave me alone. I had to be willing to fight but if I didn't go looking for one, I could probably do my time without finding one. I also learned that I didn't have to worry about "Big Bubba" making me his pet. There were plenty of volunteers for that role. Looking back, I could see the hand of Jenny's people helping me, but I knew in my heart that I could have done my time without what.
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