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Waiting for a good tide, then – as now – I recalled how we’d motored under a vast parade of jets landing at LaGuardia, and eventually, how we ran the slack tide and slipped into the East River. Then – as now – I’d wanted to stop in New York City, but frankly, the place scared Ruth. And, I realized now, everything scared me. Life, love…all of it, and I was tired of the certainty of all my uncertainties. A year had passed, and yet this was a different trip. No, trip isn’t quite the right word. Journey, perhaps? No, that’s not it at all…too open ended, almost too noble sounding. Too many memories to make on a journey, too, and I wasn’t sire I liked the idea of making more memories. You run across too many unexamined corners in the darkness on that kind of journey, too many choices best left undisturbed. So not a trip, nor a journey. What the hell do you call running away from memory? From memories of a life cut short. Pain comes to mind. The pain that comes from memories you can’t shove. I’m embarrassed that the men at the bar can see this: a silly girl of a student being fondled by a much older professional man. His hand sliding under my cashmere cardigan, pinching at my nipples making them stand up under the thin, soft wool. I’m trying to act the part I always play: the child. In all truth my body is reacting as an adult, I can feel moisture sliding out of my shaven cunt. I can feel the trembles starting in my lower back. The bottle empties, he gets another and we head back to the room. I’m young and silly, I don’t understand yet what a luxury sex in the middle of the day is. I trip on my heels but don’t fall. His hand lingers on my back as we pass through the building. Supporting me, the older man, looking after me, being the friend I so desperately need: about to screw me until I scream.In the room the act is over. He’s not going to be polite, he’s not going to respect me or ask how my exams went. I’m bent over a table facing a mirror. My hair is untied and my.
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