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I just wanted to be left alone to think. To fucking think.I couldn’t get myself to contemplate what had happened to Rachel. It was- it was the worst day of my life. I almost killed myself. I actually came close. I shouldn’t have returned to my father with that so close on my mind. I wasn’t healing; I was still broken from what happened that day.But my mind was wandering around that area. I snapped to a happy memory from around then. It was my only happy memory from that particular period, really. The parallel between this moment and that moment were marked, another reason this story struck in my mind.It also parallels the story of me meeting Rachel. I was inches from killing myself, from giving up on life. This time Kelly saved my life. She forced me to keep on going. It was scary, but ... I don’t think something else could have saved me. Not just the sex; she reminded me that I did good in this world. I need to keep being reminded of that with a trout across the face.I was riding. I'll be back in the morning."Dad's medication was making him tired and I could tell he was fightingsleep. I went to him to say goodbye."Goodbye, Daddy, I love you," I said, as I snuggled into his chest."I love you too, my little princess," he said, before he lost the battleto sleep.His little princess, I was his princess, God this Amanda thing was sogoing to mess with my mind."Mark, thank you for doing this for me and your father today," Mom said,as she drove off the end of the Bay Bridge and followed the highwaytoward 80 East."Mom I'd do this everyday if it would help Dad get better." I know you would, you're such a sweet boy. Are you sure you don't mindbeing Amanda for your father?" Mom, didn't you hear him? He called me his little princess. Mom, I likedit when he did, it made me feel special, kind of like his little girl."Mom was silent for a while before talking again."Mark, I worry when you dress like this. I worry you'll like being a girlmore than being a boy. Don't get me.
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