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Her heart sped up just looking at him and she had to remind herself to breathe. There was something about him that drew her in, his presence was warm, heady, sensual. She had been drowning in it for months. Delicious delirium. He turned and looked her way, caught her eyes. It was hard to tell what he was thinking when he recognized her. Was he putting up his defenses? Was he happy that she came? She walked to him, it seemed in slow motion hoping she wouldn’t trip or bump into anyone. Finally she stood looking up into his face, feeling small and very very nervous. She leaned in to speak, ‘I just wanted to come by and wish you a Happy Birthday’ He gave a small nod and a smile ‘Thank you! That’s very sweet of you.’ She leaned in again, a little closer to his ear, ‘I have something for you, nothing much, don’t worry’ As she fumbled with the card in her purse, he asked if he could buy her a drink. A waitress was just approaching and she ordered a B52 shooter. She didn’t want to stay. In the end, he'd simply given in to it's allure; and when he had stopped fighting it, the feeling of release (and the freedom that arouse out of it) had been wonderful.The tension he felt between his public racism, and his private surrender to it's opposite, often made him suffer, but he was not yet ready to openly declare that he regretted his participation in his country's long and sad racist history. He was a Southerner! Though there were Southerners who'd rejected their regions history in tat regard, he hesitated to truly come out and reject it himself. Such was the nature, and effect, of his hipocrasy.So, as a kind of 'act of contrition', or even as 'atonement', there Marcus sat in front of his lap top jacking off to interracial porn---and not just watching, but truly enjoying it! Part of the enjoyment, he'd come to see, was in his growing acknowledgment of his inferiority, as a white male, in contrast to black men. Therein was the deepest, and most exhilarating component of his.
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